In the video below, Kelly identifies five mistakes we make when it comes to attempting to change habits:
- We use guilt or shame as motivation
- We use virtue to license sin
- We confuse wanting with happiness
- We try to control our inner world instead of our actions
- We expect to be a different person tomorrow
Guilt and Shame
Take for example, the role of guilt and shame in behavior. Most of us believe that, given enough guilt or shame, the offending behavior will stop. While it may seem logical, the reality is something different.
The mind can often feel like a battlefield where conflicting armies of wants, don't wants, and impulsive desires fight it out for supremacy. What are they fighting for? To control your behavior. The purpose is to keep you safe, but subconscious mechanistic programs often bring peculiar results. The term "unintended consequences" comes to mind.
Choosing to do something "bad" (i.e., eating cheesecake no matter how hard you tried to resist) can open flood gates of self condemnation. When the internal self-critic cranks up, you may hear, "You're weak; you idiot; you'll always be a slob; you have no willpower; what's the matter with you?"
The internal tirade comes with feelings we label as guilt, shame, and other strong painful emotions. Who exactly is speaking? Who is the "you" that "you" are addressing?
Self-Critic Scripts
Scripts of self-condemnation typically come from adult authority figures who scolded or even beat us for childhood sins. How and why these scripts become part of us is a subject for another discussion. The bottom line is, however, that the subconscious mind incorporates as part of its self-image what it hears, sees, and feels associated with those childhood experiences.
The subconscious mind is a quick study. It learns thoughts and behaviors that are "wrong" warrant self condemnation and feelings of guilt and shame. It's as if the adult handed the belt to the subconscious mind of the five-year old. That five-year old continues to administer punishment for the rest of our lives.
So why dosen't feeling guilt and shame ensure we don't eat cheesecake? Because those feelings have far less influence on present behavior then we think. Paradoxically, the drive to continue and even increase "sinful" behavior can grow stronger as feelings of guilt and shame increase. Research tells us that guilt and shame are poor deterrents of behavior we consciously want to change, but subconsciously are programmed to continue.
New Programming
Can we change the programs? Yes, we can. We start by draining the energy from the existing programs. We choose to be observers of our behavior rather than critics. We choose to notice the circumstances, feelings, and self-talk that led to the behavior. We choose to stay in mindful observation rather than being sucked into the tornado's fury of mindless trance.
Think of times you've tried arguing with feelings and self-critical thoughts. Sometimes, for example, asking questions designed to bring you out of a craving trance can be helpful. Sometimes not. Arguing with yourself about why the feelings you're having are wrong is a sure path to frustration and self-anger.
A New Approach
Try choosing to simply be an observer. You notice, for example, a strong craving for cheesecake. You notice feelings in your body you have learned to associate with wanting. If you've already eaten the cheesecake, you notice feelings associated with guilt and shame. Notice the feelings; notice any self-talk. Unlike times in the past, this time you're choosing to notice these internal signals as information.
The Power of "Yes"
After noticing the signals, say out loud or in mind, the word, "Yes". You're saying "Yes" to the feelings as a way of acknowledging that they're present. Nothing more. Say, "Yes" again...and again. You're simply noticing they're present. Notice with no judgement; notice with no internal argument; notice with no action. Just notice and say, "Yes".
Within 30 to 90 seconds (time it if you like), you'll notice the intensity dropping. You can simply continue to notice as it drops away or apply CenterPoint Release (CPR), Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), or other Energy Psychology (EP) method to release any remaining feelings. Within five to 10 minutes, the feelings (cravings, guilt, etc.) will in all likelihood have passed. If any remain, get up, move around, and do one or two more rounds of releasing.
This "Notice and say Yes" approach can also be used to help release problem memories and emotions related to virtually everything. I recommend combining it with CPR or other EP technique.
To learn more about how you can benefit by using EP methods for weight and other changes, visit our Stress Solutions, LLC website at: http://www.EFT-MD.com.
Kelly's Video
I encourage everyone to watch the YouTube video by Kelly McGonigal, PhD found below. Having more insights about how your subconscious works can help you make new choices and release old programming.
Blessings,
Steve Carter
Stress Solutions, LLC
Home of the Weight for Wellness(TM) Program
http://www.EFT-MD.com | http://EasyStressCures.com
Ph: 1-804-677-6772
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This is a fascinating video. I've bought her book and am working through it, finding it quite helpful.
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